Detach from Your Past… Attach to Your Future

I awoke at 3:00 AM. As I lay there in the stillness of the night, a small streak of light came through the window from the streetlight. I gave a long stretch, let out a sigh, and whispered, “Let the journey begin.”  As my feet touched the floor, I had peace in my heart. It wasn’t about where I had been in recent months, but rather I had peace about where my life was headed.

I jumped in the shower, made my coffee, fed the cats, packed the rental car with my luggage, keyed in my destination address to the GPS, left a note for my house sitter, and was on the road at exactly 3:59 AM. As I drove the car Southwest on I-44, there was peace in my heart that I had not felt for quite some time. I had someone close to me accuse me of “running from something,” when in reality, I was running towards something. I was leaving the toxicity in my life behind, while heading forward to create a wonderful life for me and my children.

Twenty-three hours later, I arrived at my first stopping place. As I pulled into the mountains of Sedona, Arizona, I still had peace. It was 6:00 AM on December 31, 2013. I sat on the top of a mountain vortex bundled up with my favorite yoga blanket, sipping a delightful cup of coffee, and watching the sunrise over the Eastern sky. It was beautiful, peaceful, and it represented the dawning of a new day…a day that had been long overdue. As I sat on the top of that red rock mountain, I heard an audible voice say ever so clearly, “Detach from your past so that you can attach to your future.”  Upon hearing those words, I had a chill run from the bottom of my feet to the top of my head. It felt like a vacuum was sucking all stale energy out of my body. Immediately, I knew why God had led me to this mountain…I knew what my day was about to consist of…A funeral would take place before the sunset on that same day, the last day of 2013.

After hours of contemplating and reflecting on pivotal circumstances in my life, I realized that a great and wonderful life was waiting, but God couldn’t deliver it to me until I buried my past. That afternoon while hiking along a ridge, I did something I should have done years ago. I wrote letters to my abusers, and I buried them in a small grave. I spent hours on that mountain writing, reflecting, purging, crying, and screaming. At the end of the day, I found the same peace that I had found while watching the sunrise that morning.

As I woke on January 1, 2014, a new life began. I didn’t look back. I was only looking forward. The entire day was spent with a man by the name of Yogi Blair that I met on my journey. We spent 6 hours hiking through the Vortexes, meditating, talking, and doing yoga on mountain tops. It ranked as one of the most amazing days of my life.

After four days in Sedona, I drove up to the mountains of Ouray, Colorado, where I spent three days receiving great clarity for my future. I stayed in the most amazing Bed and Breakfast, bathed in the hot springs, drank at the brewery every night, sat by a fireplace, wrote chapters for my next book, and walked the snow covered streets of the rustic town that had a 360 degree view of the snow covered mountains.

I left Ouray for the final leg of my journey, which was about to take me back to a place that I had not been in 43 years. I drove through the final night to arrive in a small town in Eastern Kansas. It was somewhere I knew I had to return to in order to move forward. Ever since I opened “The Box” on October 4th (you can read about it here), I knew I had to return to where my abuse started at the age of three. This was the day. As my car pulled into the outskirts of Clay Center, Kansas, I felt my pulse start racing, chills went up my spine, and I felt a cloud of darkness cover my soul. My initial instinct was to turn my car around and race away as fast as I could. However, the strength inside me knew I had to finish this leg of my journey. That day, I did something that was long overdue. I faced my demons for the final time.

These are just the highlights from my incredible spiritual journey. It is is written in much greater detail in my upcoming book trilogy about the story of my life.

What are your demons? What part of your past is holding you from receiving the blessings of your future? Remember, in order to move forward, sometimes we must look in that rearview mirror. I spent decades of my life letting my past define my future. Don’t make the mistake I made. Instead embrace your past, face your demons, bury the hurt, scream out the anger, but most importantly, find peace from within.

How do you get peace? You bless your curses. It might sound odd, but in order to find peace, you have to turn them into blessings. For years, I spent my time hating people, places, and things. Now, I look at them as if I am a third party looking from the outside in. I have been able to detach from them enough to say, “That is not who I am now.”  I find blessings in my child abuse years. Why? Because it molded me into the strong, beautiful, sexy, loving, passionate woman I am today.

EXERCISE FOR DETACHING FROM YOUR PAST

Take out a piece of paper and write out the things in your past that keep you from moving forward. Be honest with yourself. For each item it keeps you from moving into your future, write out three blessings for each item. As an example, if you are bitter over a divorce, you might choose three things such as: 1) I am blessed that I have my wonderful children as a result of that union, 2) I am grateful that we got to build a house together, that I still find love and peace in, and 3) We traveled to some wonderful places that I got to experience. It doesn’t matter what the items are, as long as they are true in your heart. You can’t just say the blessings. You must FEEL the blessings.

Live with passion,

Laurie Calzada
-Author and Motivational Speaker-

First Impressions Can be Toooooo Good!

One November evening years ago, I had the privilege of speaking to a group of retired executives and their spouses in Myrtle Beach.  At the end of the event, the hostess asked me if I would be willing to do a Q&A session.  I cordially stated that I would be delighted to conduct one, and the hostess opened the floor to the audience.

You have probably noticed I use stories of my children a lot when I write and when I speak.  Why?  Because I believe we can learn so much from the openness of our children.  They view the world with eyes wide open and fear so little.  As the questions started, there was one woman in the back row that asked me, “I noticed you talk a lot about your beautiful children, but you never mention the father.”  I answered, “Well, interesting you should ask. We are actually in the middle of a divorce, but it is a very amicable situation. Over the 12 years we were together, we became two ships in the night, headed in different directions.”  Then she proceeded to fire question after question at me such as: what business do you own, where do you live, and how much do you travel? The questions went on and on…

Finally, after several responses, the elderly woman next to her nudged her and exclaimed, “Martha, quit asking her so many questions!”  Martha didn’t miss a beat by replying in her deep southern accent, “Well, I just thought I might have a daughter-in-law here!”

Wow!  Now, there’s a first impression that was too good.  I had met this woman in a literal brief moment in time, and she was ready to marry me off to her son.

Every day, you make spontaneous decisions about people and circumstances.  Studies from NYU found within the first seven seconds of meeting someone, we make eleven major decisions about that person, both good and bad.  If that first impression is not a good impression, it can take numerous follow-up meetings to change a person’s perception.

Having spent most of my professional career in the training, coaching, and speaking world, I have met so many different types of people. Some days it is difficult when people are whining about their life to not want to say, “Look where I came from… suck it up!” However, I try to step back, look at their situation, and see it through their eyes.  When it is difficult to see it through a person’s eyes, then usually I find I need to walk away.  I truly believe that perception is the beholder’s reality, and if I can’t either see it as they would see it or try to assist in changing their perception, then often it is time to walk away.

Now, I know without a doubt that there have been negative impressions that I have left in my wake during my 44 years on earth.  However, I know there are thousands of positive impressions I have made, too.  You cannot be a “total you” without the evaluation of all aspects.  Over the years of owning multiple companies, I have interviewed hundreds of applicants for different positions, from receptionist to director level. I never believe in asking “What are your strengths and weaknesses?”  Rather, I believe in asking “In what areas do you excel, and what are your challenges with which you would like help?”  In other words, we ALL have challenges and hurdles to overcome… Yes, ALL of us.  Sometimes, people will state a weakness that is only a weakness in their own mind’s eye.

 

If you love what you do, and do what you love, people will know the instant they meet you that you are someone they want to associate with in their dealings, whether personally or professionally.

 

 

EXERCISE TO HONE IN ON YOUR FIRST IMPRESSION

 

Pick 5 people that admire you, and request a meeting or phone call with them. Ask them to mention the 5 things they admire about you the most.  Also, ask them to mention 2 or 3 challenges that perhaps you should consider.  Then, if you are truly committed to evaluating your first impression, request a meeting with two or more people that you have struggled with in your relationship, such as a boss, employee, friend, someone in a social setting, etc.  Ask them for two things they think are your strengths, and ask them for two things they view as  challenges in dealing with you.

Now, to do this, you have to have thick skin, take it seriously, and realize that this is to help you be a more well-rounded person. Several years ago, I had some people running my businesses that lied to me and stole from me.  After months of bitterness and anger, I went through this exact exercise myself.  I took over 10 people that I had issues with in my life and requested to meet for breakfast or lunch with them.  Do you know how many did it?  Only three… All of the others came up with excuses, and one emailed me stating, “I don’t want to meet you.  Just email me, because I am very curious in what you have to say.”  If she had been interested, she would have met me.  I kindly thanked them for their consideration and wished them luck.  The funny thing was, once I did this exercise, these people no longer crossed my mind or came across my path.  They were removed from my life as a barrier to my personal growth.  It was exhilarating!!!

You might be thinking why on earth should I put myself through the confrontation?  Believe me, it was difficult.  It took a humble spirit and a determined mind!  Why do it?  Because, in order for me to help others, I had to help myself first!  Going forward, I had evaluated my lessons learned, and I have found that my new first impressions would be a more positive fingerprint left on lives.

Live with passion, and always make a good first impression.

Laurie Calzada

LEARN BY LISTENING

I sit….

I listen….

I watch….

I ponder….

Voices are talking all around me.  One person is telling all the stories, and there are laughs by all.  There is never a moment of silence.  As I sit there quietly for about 15 minutes pondering the situation before me, this person continues to talk and talk.  Don’t get me wrong, she is very amusing.  This is the second time I have met her, and I realize she knows nothing about me. However, I know almost everything about her: her name, where she lives, what she does for a living, how many kids she has, how many pets she owns, the ages of her kids, what her spouse does for a living, what hours her spouse works, and even how she likes her hair cut!  I don’t think she knows my first name, let alone anything else about me.  She just talks and talks.  During this conversation, she did not ask one question to anyone.  It got me to thinking about something I teach in my Life Coaching sessions…

Remember, you never learn by talking… You learn by listening! 

Recently we watched the movie titled “A Thousand Words.”  It wasn’t an academy award winning movie, but it had an award winning message.  Eddie Murphy could only speak 1,000 words before he would die.  It was amazing the messages he could get across with 2 or 3 words, instead of using 2 or 3 paragraphs.

I related to it so well!  In my younger years, I would talk and talk.  Sometimes I had something to say, but other times I did not.  After years of coaching, I realized you learn nothing from talking. As a speaker and TV show host, I learned you impact perceptions by talking, but you actually become wiser by listening.

Have you ever sat at a table going, “Uh huh…. Oh…. Really”?  The last guy I dated was that way. Talk… talk… talk…. Sometimes it was informational, but most of it was complaining.  I felt exhausted afterwards, and it was unfulfilling.  After hours of conversation together, he had learned nothing about me.  He never asked, “How was your day?”, “How are the kids?”, or “What would you like to do?” I would walk away having learned a lot about him, though. Many times, I did not learn information that made me like him. Some of it actually made me dislike him.  I would listen, respond, and just smile.  Finally, I walked away… permanently.

Let’s address another scenario- the person that learns all the time… the person always listening.  That is sooooo my best friend.  We call her the “Great Mother Earth.”  She listens and digests information better than anyone I have ever met.  But, sometimes this is a disadvantage.  I remember one time early in our friendship we were out to dinner, and I stated, “Okay, enough about me.  Let’s talk about you.”  She shrugged and said something like, “Let’s not.”  I chuckle now, because we know each other’s deepest darkest secrets. Now when we get together, we balance our conversation well.  I want to learn as much about her as she wants to learn about me.

I am sure you can relate to these scenarios in life and work.  So, which one are you?  Are you the one that is learning, or are you the one talking?

Having owned eight businesses in 25 years, I have conducted tons of interviews with prospective job candidates.  I was always amused at the talkers.  Many times, I would get so bored with their rambling, that instead of writing notes, I would write… “one”… “two”… “three”…. I was jotting down a number each time they said a sentence.  I remember while interviewing one sales candidate, I got to 132 on just one question!   One-hundred thirty-two sentences before he shut up!  Needless to say, I wasn’t about to ask another question.  I didn’t have another 30 minutes for an answer!

So, what is the moral of the story? To shut up?  No!  The moral is to know when to talk and know when to listen.  Even more than listening, learn to read body language.  96% of communication is non-verbal.  Use it!  If you are talking and someone looks bored… The chances are they are!

Learn to listen, my dear friends…

EXERCISE TO LISTEN

Find a partner, a spouse, a friend, or a co-worker.  Make a commitment to work on being a 50/50 talker versus a listener.  Start out with Person A asking a question. Person B must answer in no more than 5 sentences.  Then have a brief interchange for 2-3 minutes. Next, Person B asks a question to Person A. Again, they must answer in no more than 5 sentences.  Then, have a brief conversation of 2-3 minutes with both people inputting information.  Keep doing this for 15-30 minutes.  Try to get together and do this at least once a week or more, if possible.  Like anything else in life, the more you practice this interpersonal skill, the better balanced you will become.

Your loved ones, children, spouses, parents, co-workers, boss and friends will thank you!

Live with passion, and learn to listen!!!

Laurie Calzada